Charming's Disapproval
by thenerdyfangirl
Summary: Emma and Regina had been dating for a while now, but Charming does not approve, and wants to fix it. How will they stop him? Swanqueen, obviously. Sort of a crack-fic. More on the way. Rated K for just some fluff and some interesting humor.
1. Chapter 1

Emma and Regina had been dating for a while now. The entire town was still too afraid of the former mayor to say much about it, but Charming and Snow were immediate family, and one of them would not have it.

"How many times do I have to say this? I'm telling you, Snow, she's using her! She's... turning her away from us! It doesn't feel right. We need to stop it!" Charming was pacing the floor of the apartment.

"Charming, just let it be. _You_ can storm up to her and try to convince her not to love our daughter, but I, _we_ , have more pressing matters to attend to." Snow was holding baby Neal, rocking him to sleep.

"I just... I can't let it go. Something is not fitting in." Charming stopped his pacing and stalked upstairs.

Snow sighed. He hardly ever got mad like this, and she had about had enough of it. If she couldn't convince him to let it go with her words, then she would have to go to Plan B.

She looked down at baby Neal, "Oh, please, let this work."

Sitting on the couch in the living room, Emma was wondering how on Earth Regina could cook so well. In the kitchen, she was a flurry of spatulas and cooking grease, her tan cheeks flushed slightly red. It was the only time (besides their cuddly moments) Emma could ever see her hair at a not-perfect-state. Emma had insisted on ordering something, or making a stop in the frozen-food aisle for the fiftieth time since they had been dating, and, for the fiftieth time, Regina had refused and cooked something anyway. It wasn't like Emma was complaining or anything, but sometimes she just wanted to help out and throw some frozen stuff in the oven.

By the time Regina was finished, Emma was nodding off slightly, constantly shaking her head to ward off sleep.

"Hey, Emma," Regina was swatting her knee with a red hot-pad, "it's ready."

Emma woke and looked up, kicking herself for falling asleep again. She was always unconscious when Regina finished cooking. "Oh, sorry, 'Gina," she yawned, stretching toward the brunette.

Regina stepped back, turning around and heading toward the kitchen, "Come on, Miss Swan, you won't want to be empty-stomached tonight." she sing-songed.

Emma crawled off the couch slowly, making her way toward the dining table, "Can't we just eat this on the couch?" she asked, knowing the answer would be no. Emma had already asked this question a hundred times.

"Of course not. Have you looked at your eating habits lately? You'd stain the velvet." Regina said, rolling her eyes. Even though Regina was no longer the Evil Queen, she still had some characteristics left over. The eye-rolling, for one, never went away.

Emma sat at the table, shaking the last of sleep off. Regina brought in a steaming tray of lasagna, and a side of salad, "Help yourself, dear," she said, untying her apron and hanging it on a hook in the kitchen before plopping on a chair herself.

Before Emma had even had her first bite, the doorbell rang.

"Well, who the hell had the nerve to come here at this time of night..." Regina muttered, frustrated at the timing of the visit. She got up, tossing her napkin on the table, and walked over to the door.

Emma heard the sigh of Regina at the door, "Well, come in then, if you insist."

Snow came in and sat down in an empty chair, "Hey, Emma," she said, shifting baby Neal in her arms.

"Mom? What are you doing here?" Emma set down her fork after attempting to eat again.

"It's really nothing, I just have to ask you about something. You have to help me convince Charming that Regina's not manipulating you." Snow said, nervously looking around the room.

"Who am I manipulating?" Regina came in after shutting and locking the door.

"Emma," Snow replied.

"Well, that good-for-nothing-Charming can shove it up-"

"'Gina, it's okay. Just forget that." Emma could tell Regina was ready to blow someone's head off after being interrupted from dinner and accused of manipulating her girlfriend.

"Anyway, is there a way that you guys could convince him that you're perfectly fine and capable?" Snow asked.

"I don't know. 'Gina?" Emma sat back in her chair.

"I don't care what that idiot says. I think we're fine and we don't need to prove anything." Regina was still fuming.

"Well, he's planning on going to Gold to fix his problem, so I suggest you figure something out." Snow said, knowing that would catch their attention.

"Gold? Why would he go to him?" Emma asked, suddenly more alert.

Regina sat up and said, "If he's going to Gold, then he's obviously deranged and needs to be taken to Dr. Whale instead."

"He thinks that there's some kind of magic that can help separate you two." Snow said.

"We do need to think of something then..." Emma said, "...after I finish my dinner. I need food" in me to concentrate at all." she took up her fork again and shoved it in a slice of lasagna.

"I understand that, Emma," Snow said, pulling away Emma's plate, "but he's going to Gold tonight."

"Hey!" Emma yelled in protest, lunging over the table to get it back.

"Stop it, both of you! Now, we're going to figure something out without starting a food fight!" Regina was standing up now.

Emma sat back down in her seat, and Snow let go of the lasagna.

"So, Plan A, we kill Charming," Regina started, folding her hands in front of her.


	2. Chapter 2

"Okay, no, we're not doing that," Emma said, patting Snow's hand after seeing her stricken face.

"Plan B, we somehow get a hold of the dagger and kill Gold." Regina offered.

"No! We're not killing anybody!" Emma sat back and rubbed her temple.

"Well, how are we going to get things done around here?" Regina threw up her hands.

"I could maybe video-tape you guys arguing over Henry or something, with Emma winning." Snow suggested.

"Please. Emma winning an argument with me? That's so unbelievable. Of course, we _are_ desperate, and Charming is obviously brain-dead," Regina said,

"Okay then, let's try it. I have no other good ideas since someone is _starving_ me." Emma shot a meaningful look at Snow.

"I'll get my phone." Snow said, getting up to rummage through the purse she left by the door.

"I've never acted in my life," Emma said, getting up from her chair and sneaking a quick bite of lasagna from her stolen plate.

"I understand. When I say I'm going to rip your arm off and beat you with it, I usually mean it." Regina was tossing her hair to get ready for the camera.

"I didn't really mean it that way, but sure," Emma said.

Snow came back in with her phone, scrolling through it to get to the video recorder, "Okay guys, act like you're really arguing over Henry, like old times." she said, pointing her phone towards them. She mouthed out, "Three... two... one... go!"

"Henry is rightfully mine to take this time, Regina! You've had him for years, and now I get to spend a little time with him." Emma pretend-shouted.

"Says the woman who didn't want him in the first place." Regina knew this one wouldn't sting; they had talked about it.

Emma pretended to be hurt, "Well, I'm not a former Evil Queen, am I?"

"I think-" Regina's assured-epic-comeback was cut short by Henry, who walked in on the scene with ruffled hair and wrinkled pajamas.

He yawned, "Can I get some water, guys?" he said innocently, oblivious to what was taking place.

"Uh..." Emma looked at Snow for confirmation that this recording was over.

Snow nodded and put her phone down.

"Yeah, go get a drink, kid," Emma replied to Henry.

Once he was back upstairs, they resumed again.

And finally, after thirteen takes and a whole lot of insults from Regina, they finally got the right video.

All three of them collapsed on the couch, exhausted.

"Can we see that last one?" Emma asked, eyeing up her unfinished plate of food.

"Yeah," Snow brought up the last video.

"Emma, why did you have to keep looking at the camera like that? You weren't supposed to know that Snow was recording this. Ugh, there you go again. You really suck at this." Regina was criticizing their work.

"Well, you weren't much better," Emma said, trying to come up with a mistake for her, "You... messed with your hair too much. You look nervous."

"She always messes with that hair of her's." Snow chimed in, studying the video.

"It's fine. Just show it to Dad and all of this will be over." Emma said, finally giving in and getting up to pick up her plate.

"It's gotta be heated up now," she muttered after taking a bite.

(^_^)/

Charming walked into Gold's shop, hoping that he could help him, "Mr. Gold?" he called.

Gold came out of the back room, swinging his cane with each step, "What can I do for you, dearie?"

"Don't call me that. Do you ever get embarrassed calling men 'dearie'?" Charming asked, picking up a random sword and flipping it around.

"No, not really. Now, again, what can I do for you, _dearie_?" Gold said.

Charming accidentally dropped the sword on his toe, "Ow!"

"I'm afraid I can't help you with that," Gold snickered, muttering, "Idiot," under his breath.

"No, it's about Emma and Regina. I don't approve of their... current relationship." Charming said, putting back the sword and limping over, "I need something to stop it."

"Oh," Gold said, tapping his cane with his finger in thought, "Well, if it's true love, I can't do anything about it, but if it isn't, then I might have something to help you," he said after a while.

"What is it?"

"Oh, I'll need a little something first."

"I'll give you whatever." Charming said.

Gold laughed to himself, because he really didn't need anything right now, but he did want to humiliate Charming, "I need your clothes."

Charming sputtered, "My _clothes_?!" It was a very cheap price for the thing he wanted, but it took him aback. "Right now? Do you have something I could change into?"

"Nope. Give them to me right now and I'll give you your solution," Gold said, turning around to get Charming's solution.

Charming shook his head, but gave in, deciding that he had to fix this problem.

A few minutes later, Charming walked out with a vile of a clear liquid, with instructions to throw it on one of them, but only when they were together.

" _Charming?!"_ Snow's voice rang out in the street, seeing him when she was going to show him the video, " What are you doing in the middle of the street at night _naked?_ "

This was going to be an interesting conversation.


	3. Chapter 3

"I... Gold, he... price... but I got it!" Charming was stuttering, holding out the vile to show it off.

"Charming, I would rather you stop waving that around and use that hand to cover yourself." Snow was turning a deep shade of red, though it got lost in the darkness, "We've got to get you home, or.. somewhere," Snow pointed out an alleyway where they could take the back road home.

"He said to throw it on one of them when they were together," Charming still wanted to explain his brilliant solution, "It should stop whatever it is that's happening."

"Do you really want to do that? Oh, wait, I was going to tell you before I saw you... I heard shouting the other day when I went to go talk the them, so I snuck in and took this video. Here," Snow gave him her phone.

Charming watched the video intensely, and after it was over, he handed it back to her and said, "You see? If they're fighting all the time, it's not working out and I need to stop it."

Snow sighed, "You say it like you're going to storm in the Mansion with your sword drawn, only to be incinerated by a Regina who very much wants _your_ head on a silver platter, not mine this time. And I killed her mother, so whatever you're doing is ticking her off big-time."

"I'm going to try it. And if it doesn't work, I'll know they really belong with each other, because it's true love." Charming was insistent.

It was then that they were in sight of the apartment complex.

"Now I have to figure out how to get you inside without anyone seeing you. Here, I know, I'll go up, then throw down the random-rope-I-keep-in-the-closet-for-emergencies to you out the window. You can scale a wall, right?" Snow was already halfway through the door.

Charming stood awkwardly out in the street, waiting for the random-rope-she-kept-to-hang-people to drop from the window.

Emma and Regina were half-asleep on the couch when Snow came running in, panting and hastily rubbing her shoes on the mat in front, "Okay, Charming's taken care of for all of about ten minutes. He didn't take our video. He said if you're arguing, then he needs to stop it."

Regina sighed, "I should've known it wouldn't work. He's even too stupid to see the point we were trying to get across."

Emma gave Regina a half-hearted slap on the shoulder.

"Well, we need to think of something else before he figures out I left him naked in the alley outside." Snow said.

"You _what_?!" Emma shouted.

"Ha. Finally someone's getting something done. Did you tie him up? Did you knock him out? Did you shoot him in the foot and tell him if he speaks a word that you'll have me rip his heart out?"

Regina leaned forward, a gleam in her eyes.

"Regina! What did I say about all those death threats? What did he ever do to you?" Emma said.

"Well, he burnt our dinner that one day, he left pee on the seat when he was over a couple months ago, he stole my nicest black pen when I was Mayor, and he ran over my old dog."

"He ran over your dog?" Emma said incredulously.

"No, I was kidding about that last one," Regina snickered, "But he is an idiot that just likes to wave swords around to prove that he's capable of... well.. anything at all."

As Regina continued to rant about Charming's... mind capacity, Snow proceeded to tell Emma what he was planning on doing.

"Well, then, just let him." Emma said.

"Why?"

"If what we have is real, like you said, then it won't matter, will it? Then we can go back to normal." Emma said, "Problem solved."

"No, not problem solved. Nobody's died yet."

"Regina!"

Something was wrong. It had to be. Here he was, naked in the alley outside holding a vile of what could just be water. How did he get himself into this? Why? He had to risk going through the back door; he was freezing, and Snow had obviously been delayed.

He snuck up to the door, turning the handle and peeking inside. The hallway was clear, so Charming lunged through, turned, and ran up the stairs. He was almost to the doorknob on their apartment when he heard a scream down the hallway. He twisted and saw Granny, who must have been on one of the rare deliveries she did. She dropped the bag of food and fainted. At least he hoped she fainted.

Charming shook his head and ran in the room, shutting the door. Phew. Now he had to end this once and for all.

"Well, I had better get back to Charming." Snow said after they had decided to just let him do his thing.

She got up and was ready to go when Charming himself ran in the room, fully clothed.

"Charmi-" Snow had barely begun to say his name before he lunged at Regina, the vile uncorked. He threw the liquid at her, but Snow's motherly instinct kicked in, and she stepped in just before it splashed on Regina.

"Mom! We talked about not sacrificing yourself all the time!" Emma shouted.

But it was too late.

Now, Charming had known something about the potion that he didn't tell anyone else. It was that whoever got hit with it would hate the first thing he or she laid eyes on. That's how he would separate them.

When the potion fully hit Snow, she turned around just in time for Henry to walk in and ask what all the noise was about.

"So you see, Henry, that's why Grandma Snow can't be around you. She got hit with a potion, and now she just really wants to strangle you. That's also why Granny at the restaurant isn't around anymore." Regina was explaining to Henry a couple days after the incident.

"Oh." Henry looked down.

At first Regina thought he was crying, but then she realized he was laughing.

"What's so funny?" Regina asked.

"Did Grandpa really run around without his clothes on?"


	4. Chapter 4

If Charming was furious at the situation before, it didn't compare to his rage now. Not only were Regina and Emma still together, but his wife hated his grandson with a passion. Every day, Snow would wake up, take care of baby Neal, and then go on one of her rants about Henry, the boy she used to adore.

"Annoying! That's what he is! Always butting in people's business, always talking about himself. His mothers swoon over him every day, granting all his selfish wishes! His neck is just so fragile, Charming, I could just reach behind him and _oops!_ there he goes! Or maybe stabbing his heart would be a better alternative. I don't get it! He's just so ugly! That high pubescent voice... I can't stand it anymore! I already researched it, and throwing him off the pier and drowning him is both highly illegal and ineffective. I'm sure Regina could give me some tips on torture..." Snow would pace around the house, plotting his death.

Regina rather liked this new side of the once-innocent Snow, but at the same time, that was her _son_ she was talking about. And no one talked about her son like that, even if his voice did make her want to strangle him sometimes. So Regina had to take matters into her own hands, as she usually had to when everyone else was being insane.

With this state of mind, she sat down next to Emma on the couch and said, "We need to do something."

"About what? The lack of Twinkies in the pantry? I noticed that too. I was thinking that next time it's on sale, we could grab a whole-"

"Not that, Swan! About the whole Snow and Henry thing!" Regina said.

"Oh, yeah, I guess that needs to be fixed too." Emma said defeatedly.

"I have to admit, seeing Snow want to kill someone is very satisfying for me, but it's Henry we're talking about, not Charming. If it were Charming, I'd give Snow my entire torture chamber!" Regina gazed wistfully into the distance.

"But it's not Charming, Regina, and-" Emma paused, "Wait, you have a _torture chamber_?! Why haven't I heard about this?"

"Because I haven't had to use it on you. Not yet, anyway." Regina smirked playfully.

"Jesus, I'll just forget about that one." Emma shut her eyes and shook her head, "But, seriously, we can't keep Henry away from Snow forever. It's a small town, and he's getting a lot more curious about the situation."

"I know. I don't want to go to Gold again; we know how that turned out." Regina said.

"Well, we could do that magic stuff from our hands." Emma said, then noticed Regina's confused expression, "I mean, you know, when we, like, caused an eclipse and killed monsters and destroyed diamonds together. That kind of magic hand stuff."

Regina nodded, "I remember that. I was so turned on!"

Emma suppressed a laugh, "Not the point, 'Gina."

"We could give it a shot, I guess. The "magic hand stuff", as you call it, seems to work for just about everything." Regina shrugged.

"Then let's go see Snow." Emma said, getting up and grabbing her wallet.

"Why do you need that?" Regina asked, pointing to the money.

"I'm going to stop by the store and buy some more Twinkies." Emma said matter-of-factly.

Regina rolled her eyes.

…SQ...SQ...SQ...

They arrived at Snow's apartment a few minutes later, knocking on the door.

"Come in!" Snow called sweetly.

They walked in, and Snow was there, carving an apple with a knife. "I'm just practicing what I would do if I had Henry's heart in my hand." Snow said, looking up at them with an innocent expression.

Emma could feel Regina next to her, and she knew that the former Evil Queen would skip around the room and sing if she could.

"That's what we came to talk about, Snow." Regina could barely hide her glee.

"Oh, really?" Snow purred.

"Uh, yeah, mom." Emma made a face at her mother's voice.

"We think we can... help you with this predicament." Regina said.

"Oh no, no, no," Charming came down the stairs and stepped between his wife and the two women, "You're not doing anything. I won't let you touch her."

"You think so?" Regina challenged.

"Regina..." Emma muttered under her breath.

"Yeah, I think so." Charming drew his sword, which he always had hanging on his hip.

"You don't want to mess with me, Charming.." Regina's hands buzzed with magic.

"Don't do this, Regina." Emma warned.

"I'm not going to hurt him, dear." Regina whispered back.

Suddenly Charming clumsily lunged for Regina, sword out in front of him. And then Snow was up. And then Emma was up. And Regina lost her footing, because there was a turtle on the floor. And baby Neal watched. And then they were all in a heap on the floor, the sword stuck in the door.

"My leg! My leg!" Charming cried.

"Oh, shut up!" Regina kicked what was hopefully his leg.

"Ow!" Emma said.

"Sorry," Regina huffed.

"I think I swallowed someone's ring." Snow coughed.

Everyone looked at their finger.

"It was mine!" Charming yelled, "That was our marriage ring!"

"Seriously?" Snow looked as if she was going to cry.

"It's okay, mom-" Emma started to comfort her, but was interrupted by a cheer.

"Yes! Yes! Yes! I'm not married anymore!" Snow whooped and untangled herself from the pile of bodies.

In a second, Snow was up and out of the door, her joyful shouts echoing down the hall, "WOOOOOO!"

Regina laughed. Emma gaped. Charming itched his leg.

"Do you hate Henry anymore?" Regina called down the hall.

"Are you kidding me? I love that kid!" Snow rounded the corner and ran out of the building.

"Case solved, _mi amigos_." Regina helped Emma off the floor, "She needed something incredibly great happen to her. She needed to be so happy that it canceled out her hate for Henry."

"Wow." Emma breathed.

"Sorry, Charming. Maybe Pongo will marry you." Regina said, throwing Charming's ring to him and starting to walk out the door.

"Oh, and by the way," Regina turned around and added, "Snow swallowed _my_ ring. Not yours. In case you hadn't figured that out by now."

They turned and left Charming, confused on the floor.

"You don't think that might've been a little too harsh, 'Gina?" Emma said as they walked down the hall.

"Would you be willing to forget it if I bought you that whole box of Twinkies?" Regina asked.

Emma squealed excitedly, and Regina took that as a yes.


End file.
